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i'm a wreck, a mess, and a disaster, disguised as a photographer.Following
when did it become acceptable to booty call me at 2am the night before my 8am final? i don’t know if you noticed, but i wear the pants. and i only take them off when i want to.
this is making me grumpy.
him: “are you okay?”
me: “yeah, of course.”
him: “it’s just…you’re not saying much.”
…that’s because you mean absolutely nothing to me.
i’m so fucking confused about everything. about my life, about my choices, about my future. i don’t know what i’m doing. and i’m confused about dom and ryan. just like always. why can’t this ever end?
i need some fucking clarity.
i think you’re weak as fuck. grow a pair, bitch. just because i wasn’t about to waste away and let you blame me for the choices you made doesn’t mean you have the right to call me poison. grow a pair. it was your purse, it was your hands, and it was your choice. get a fucking grip.
i’m done letting myself feel guilty for what happened to you. i know that you blame me, but it’s not my fault. i warned you all along that this life was not one that you wanted to be a part of. you knew my reputation this whole time, and you used me to taste as much freedom as you possibly could. and i took a fall when i didn’t have to because i couldn’t just leave you.
take responsibility for your actions. this is not my fault.
so yesterday i went to two parties with a bunch of my friends. we’re an interesting group of people, both alike and different at the same time, interwoven mostly by a love of drinking and photography. unlike growing up in a small town, we do not have our birth location in common, we do not know each facet of the community and everyone in it. it’s a different kind of connection, but not one that i dislike. in fact, i actually love it.
while at the second party, my friend got upset and needed to talk. so he pulled me aside and we did just that: talked. and it was nice. when i got back into the party, i felt like i had to explain myself to all my friends, to make sure that they knew that we were just talking, and to check that everything was okay. and as they each reassured me with a somewhat confused look, i realized something. it’s perfectly okay for two people to have a conversation. it’s okay for a friend to pull another friend aside and talk to them while no one else is around. i’ve spent so much time watching my every move and walking on egg shells because my friends immediately assume that a boy and a girl cannot possibly be doing anything together besides having sex. i have spent countless hours begging ryan, mikie, mike, carli, and so many other people to believe me that the boys in my life are just my friends. it’s tiring and it’s painful that they can not trust me to spend any time with a member of the opposite sex without fucking them. and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
i’m happy that my friends here, at least, trust me.
fact: i don’t like it when people try to take advantage of me when i’m vulnerable. it’s been a theme these past few days with some of the people in my life. they’re like leeches sometimes. they sense that your guard might be let down, and they try to move in and take what they can. but no matter how vulnerable i get, my guard is never let down. not even for a second.
and seriously, one of my friends has texted me 12 times in the last hour even though i haven’t answered. that’s fucking clingy.
so i’ve been watching “my so-called life” lately. i found it on netflix and i decided to watch it because the main character, angela, is only fifteen. so i figured that there was no way that i could relate to her, and therefore the show wouldn’t make me feel depressed the way that everything else does. but i ended up relating strongly to her relationship with jordan, who’s the love interest throughout the series. he’s so much less intelligent than her and he’s complete trouble, but she’s so drawn to him in an unspeakable way. and even though he doesn’t talk much and he hurts her, she’s crazy about him. he reminds me so much of ryan.
and in this one part, he sees her talking to another guy. and even though they aren’t dating and they’re “just friends,” he gets jealous. so to spite her, he gets drunk and has sex with her best friend. all summer, i was terrified of that. because the one time i messed up and misinterpreted my plans with ryan, he assumed that i was blowing him off for another guy and had sex with two girls in one night. and i forgave him. but i was always afraid, because i knew that it was possible that i would mess up again, and my best friend was always around because she was hanging out with one of two of his best friends.
when i was watching that episode, it literally hurt my chest to watch him pull angela’s best friend into his car. it caused me physical pain to watch him hurt her, because it was something that ryan would do to me. and even though i wondered how she could ever possibly forgive him, i wasn’t surprised when she did. because i always did the exact same thing.
laying in your arms watching southpark, your fingers tracing my bottom rib and my hip bone…that’s the closest i’ve felt to happy in a really long time. but it wasn’t enough. i still went home crazy :(
